Sex – why is it so difficult to talk about? We cut through the noise and discomfort in this week’s episode.
YouTube sensation and sex consultant Susan Bratton joins us this week for a candid conversation about sexual health and wellness throughout your life. Whether you’re wondering how to connect more deeply with your partner, or how to ask for what you want or need, this episode will give you resources for growth.
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Chris: Okay everyone, I’ve got, the amazing Susan Bratton here with me, a YouTube sensation, a trusted hot sex advisor. And, if you don’t know her work, you soon will. And I was just honored and surprised and really excited when Susan and her team reached out to me to, come on the Resilient Self Podcast and talk about her work and, also has some exciting events going on. And so, I’m going to let Susan just introduce herself and talk about her work and, some things she has going on. Hey Susan, thanks for being here.
Susan: Chris. I love your show. I know you only have a few episodes in and the minute I started listening to I, you really got me with resilient self. My work over the last nearly 15 years now has been helping people have more passionate connection with themselves and their partner. And what I’ve realized is that resiliency is at the core of our sexuality as well because, um, you know, we were born sexual, we die sexual, I mean many 95 year old men, father children still. And we, we get screwed up along the way by our society by a lot of shame and repression by a lot of abuse, by a lot of unmet desire, by a lot of media and movie images feeding us what we should have. Pornography buffeting us from the other direction. I loved your episode recently about masculinity where you went to the bookstore and you got seven magazines about masculinity and you know, you talked about how the media just really messes up the messaging.
Susan: And so I’ve been helping people close the gap between what is true in their heart and what they desire and what does it take to have the kind of deep and soulful connection that is the birthright of every human being that often there’s, there are these obstacles and these roadblocks to having it. And when I saw Resilient Self, I was like, oh, that’s it. That sounds interesting. I want to listen to that. And when I listened to it and I heard what a great guy you are and what a great job you do,I reached out personally to you on Instagram and I was like, Hey, I’d like to be on your show Chris, because I feel like so, so many people, most people, if you asked them in their heart of hearts, are you getting everything in everything that you want out of your intimacy?
Susan: Um, are you getting that? Do you have everything you want? Are you, are you totally and completely fulfilled? Are you, are you bold off your feet? Are you having the most incredible, deep, soulful, satisfying connection with someone? 99% of people will say, “No, I could some help, but I don’t know who to trust and I don’t know where to go. Is there something I can do?” And I’m like, Dut da dahhhh! Cue the music! I can help because what I’ve been doing for the last 15 years, because of my own nearly failed marriage that my husband Tim and I pulled off the precipice and said, well, we’ve got to fix this. We’re platonic at 11 years into our relationship and this is bull crap. We want to have a great hot, sexy time like we did when we got married. How do we get back to that? Well, we got back to that and we went way, way beyond that because what’s interesting is that in our society, sex is not taught of course we learn about procreation.
Susan: But we don’t learn about lovemaking and um, there’s just no place good to go to get the information. So my husband and I started a company and we said, we’re going to, after we went out and took a bunch of classes, a Tantric lovemaking classes, orgasmic meditation classes. Um, even did like all the Tony Robbins things I had, I worked for Tony in a startup. I was the CMO of his startup up. God, it’s been 20 years now, um, did a lot of personal work, which is really what your show is about. Your show is about doing the work and becoming aware of potential, your own potential and possibility mindset change and things like that. And having a great sex life is, it’s exactly that. It’s learning, it’s learning pleasuring techniques. It’s learning anatomy, learning about your body, learning what feels good, what feels good to you.
Susan: Because though we’re all the same, we’re all a little different. And then learning bedroom communication skills. For over a decade, I just concentrated on what are the little shifts, what I call the little hinges that swing big doors for people in their sex life. If I could just… everybody’s busy and add to how busy people are, sex is a very low trust environment. And if you give someone too many steps, they’re like, “Ohhh, that’s too hard. Screw it. I’ll just be miserable.” You know? So as you know, I’m speaking to the choir, right? So what can I do? I studied pleasuring techniques, advanced orgasm skills, men’s and women’s and bedroom communication skills. And then about a decade in, I realized, okay, you know what’s really blocking people? I can teach them all these things, but if they don’t have sexual health, a lot of people, especially when they hit mid-age, you know, their hormones diminish.
Susan: You go into menopause or andropause you start having, believe it or not, these things are what lead into hormonal imbalances. Things like gut dysbiosis and the toxins in our body. We need to detoxify that, you know, our chemical environments catch up to us over time. So how do we, how do I help people with things like painful sex, erectile dysfunction, um, STI prevention if they’re divorced and entering into the, you know, dating market again? How do I help people in mind, body and spirit? And I added the body piece on and one of the reasons that I, wanted to help people with their sex life is that there are tons of new treatments and protocols, things that you can do. Like one of the things that I talk a lot about is, um, a technology, a treatment called gainswave that is, it literally reverses erectile dysfunction.
Susan: So a man never has to take Viagra again because as we age, our penises atrophy. For women, there are technologies like um, CO2 lasers and RF devices that can go intra-vaginally to heal and regenerate the vaginal mucosa that starts to atrophy and dry out as our hormones decline. We get painful sex, or we have pelvic pain. And then how do you heal the other piece of the body, which is the emotional piece, the piece of trauma and shame and all of those kinds of things. And so I now I’m on a big crusade to help people with their sexual health, in addition to their communication skills and their general sexual techniques, knowledge, which is super valuable. So I’m doing an event called the Sexual Vitality Summit, where I put together essentially my Dream Team of 30 sexologists, functional medicine doctors, tantra teachers, psychotherapists, and we dealt with every dimension of sexual wellness and what it takes to go from wherever you are with whatever your problem is, Lichen, Sclerosus, you know, there’s all kinds, even the hair loss, because when you start to go bald or you’re getting overweight, you just don’t feel sexy.
Susan: So I put together the Sexual Vitality Summit and that’s coming out very soon and I made it totally free so that everyone can listen for one week to every interview. And anyone who wants to, you know, like maybe 5% of people will say, oh, I need to own these videos. I need to have these trends going to have these audios and they can purchase it. But that’s how, um, the, I guess that’s the work that I’m doing in the world right now is I’m just trying to hit every dimension of what it takes to help a person get to soulful, satisfying connection with their partner.
New Speaker: I love that you’re going, gosh, you hit so many buttons. There’s a lot in there, but
Susan: Unpack… unpack away, Chris!
Chris: Absolutely. Well, you know, you’re, you’re hitting for me, the, um, the critical piece of the puzzle here because whether it’s sexual health or just communication or emotion or anything in our lives, what we hear a lot is, “Well, you just need to do Xyz, or here’s this, or you need to quit talking to yourself or you need to, you know, get out of your own head”. All these, you know, all this advice that people get. Right? And the problem is, okay, that sounds like a great idea. How do I do that? And, and I think when it comes to our sexual health and our sex lives, I think the challenge on that, it just gets 10X-ed because of the shame component. And, you know, if you look at the data on trauma, um, most people we meet in the world have more profound trauma than we can really comprehend. And, and they, they carry that with them and it’s unprocessed and, and, and, you know, and when they finally reach a point in their lives and they go, “Okay, something’s gotta give, my containers aren’t working for me.” Then they call someone like me and they say, “Okay, I need some help wrapping my brain around this.” And a part of that process is about saying, okay, we understand the task at hand.
Chris: We understand that, hey, you’re beating yourself up, or we understand that now your body’s not working right for you. You feel some shame or you, you know, you don’t even know how to talk to your partner about what you need. We understand the need for that. Um, and there’s a lot of people making a lot of hay out of just saying, “You gotta do better.” And that’s nice. But what I love about your approach is that you’re really diving into, not only what our goals might be, what our intention might be there, but how do we get there? How do we educate ourselves? How do we normalize the struggle to recognize that I’m not the only one that feels this way? And, and so, and, and I love the mind, body, connection. Anyone who listens to the show knows that is, that is so important to me.
Chris: Um, in psychodynamic world, it makes me kind of a weirdo because when, when I, when I talk to my therapist friends, they, when, whenever I start talking about mind, body connection, I usually just get the confused head tilt. You know, they, they wanted to talk about your parents, which is fine and we talk about parents. Um, but I love that you’re connecting all of these pieces together and you’re giving people an opportunity, to, to just do that work with you and you, you’re giving it away for a period of time, right? You’re making this available to people who there, there’s no cost barrier in this. If they can hear this conversation or they can see you on YouTube, they can participate in this summit in ways that will be helpful for them. Is that right?
Susan: Yeah, and it’s funny too, because one of the biggest issues is you talk, you said, you know, talking to your partner that I recently did a survey at you and I’d like to do a lot of, um, anecdotal surveys. You go into the bookstore and get seven magazines. I sent out a, an email to my email newsletter list, which is about 370,000 people. And I said, um, “What’s the number one issue holding you back from having the sex that you want? And I only want you to reply if it’s a physical or emotional issue, I don’t want you to reply if it’s that you don’t have a partner, because that’s a separate thing. I want to hear about your body and your mind. Tell me what your issues are.” And it was quite interesting to see that the two biggest issues were general health and sexual health, physical issues. And then the third one for both men and women was emotional trauma. And then there was stress and time. Those were the other, those were kind of the five or whatever, six big things. And I thought, all right, well, and I got hundreds of replies back and I thought, “Aw man, how?” And I wrote an email, “I’m going to get so many replies. I won’t be able to reply to all of you individually.” But when I got all the replies, I said, how can I help every single person who emailed me and all the people who didn’t email me but have the problems?” Because it was as, this is the issue? And I called a girlfriend of mine, Dr. Susan Campbell. She wrote some, she’s written some fabulous books, including um, a book called Getting Real: The 10 Truth Telling Skills. She’s, um, a disciple of, um, Nonviolent Communication. So she’s very, very good at communication structures and we worked through “Okay, how people are just, the biggest issue that people have is that they don’t talk to their partner about the problem.” Most of the emails I got said things like, “We just, I don’t know how to talk about it, so we just don’t have sex or we haven’t had sex for 20 years or eight years or 17 years or the last six months”, or whatever… a trauma happens.
Susan: And then it’s just, there’s just people’s sex life down when they aren’t able to open it back up because they don’t have ways of talking about it. People have very difficult times talking about sexuality and especially about their own desires because they have shame about them. So Susan and I worked out this thing and I ended up calling it the Magic Pill Method because there is no magic pill I can give anyone to fix their body. But there are tons of treatments like the gainswave thing that I was talking about or the Femi Lifts and the revives and the Vavives and the Mona Lisas. There’s just, you know, so many different technologies out there to fix problems. Pelvic healers, you know, all kinds of things. But people aren’t even aware they exist because they’ve just said, “Oh, okay, well that’s shut down for me. That’s over for me. I don’t, I can’t even talk about, I don’t know what to do.” So I said, if I can get people talking about it and get them aware that there is a way to work around compromise, fix, solve… Anything… anything, there isn’t a problem that anyone could bring me where I couldn’t give them the solution to having deep and pleasurable connection and intimacy no matter what the problem was. Most of them, I could tell them how to fix. A few of them. “I would say, okay, well you’re going to have to deal with this. Let’s work around it. What are we going to do now?” Right? So the Magic Pill Method is actually something I’m giving away at the Sexual Vitality Summit because it’s just a simple way… just four little steps to have a very comfortable conversation or series of conversations and then to take action to remediate the situations that people get stuck in. People just get stuck. So, um, I was really glad that I did that too because, um, it was a big breakthrough for me to look at hundreds and hundreds of peoples of issues and I just sat with it like a big undigested piece of meat in my gut for weeks and thought, you know, it was just like chewing on it. “Like, what can I do? How can I help? I want to help everybody, what can I do?” And that’s what I came up with.
Chris: Yeah, that’s, that’s great. And so that’ll be available to people as well.
Chris: You know we’re talking about sex and we’re talking about intimacy and I’m often… um… struck by how often people sort of equate those two and they’re different but interconnected. And so what, what are your thoughts on that? This relationship between sex and intimacy of, you know, of course, you know, part of the goal is to have both simultaneously.
Chris: But they can exist independently.
Chris: What do you find? What…
Susan: I’m going to speak in generalities and again, one of the things I really appreciated about one of your recent podcasts, what was when you were talking about gender spectrum and you were like, “Look, I’m going to talk…” I think it was the masculine one again, um, where you talked about, “Look, I’m going to talk about the Masculine Feminine Paradigm, even though I know that there are a lot of people across the gender spectrum out there. Um, and so I’m gonna, I’m going to speak in generalities as well.” I’m a full gender spectrum supporter and I also know that each of us is born either testosterone dominant or estrogen dominant. And those pesky little hormones have a giant effect on how we look at things, perceive things, experience things, process things. I used to think everybody’s pretty much the same and I didn’t want to take that stand to say, you know, “This is a masculine feature and this is a feminine feature or whatever, what have you…” And I think it’s not masculine-feminine. And what I’ve come to is it’s down to like testosterone, estrogen dominance. So for testosterone and it, and again I always look at things and I think if you picture in your mind a bell curve, so you have a the skinny little side and then you get the big wave at the top. That’s the most people and then it diminishes back off and trails off. And that’s how pretty much humans are in any category of discussion. We are a bell curve. And so some people are going to be on the top, the bottom or the sides of the bell curve. But generally testosterone people, penis people, owners, they, they need… For them, intimacy, affection, touch intercourse, having their penises, loved and appreciated is a lot about how they experience intimacy. That’s for them, that’s when you say what’s, what’s intimacy? They think that is the physical manifestation is very intimate for vulva and I don’t say vagina because, um, women, young women today especially don’t like the word vagina. They prefer to use the word vulva because the vagina is the sheath for the penis. Right? And they want you to think about their entire genital collection of assets. So the clitoris, the urethral sponge, the peroneals sponge, the Labia Majora, the Labia Minora, you know, every or the mons and all of the components of the female genitalia. When they think about, when vulva owners think about intimacy, they more often would reply that intimacy is an emotional quality for them. So right there you start at a disconnect where one… Testosterone’s coming at it from a physical and estrogen’s coming at it from an emotional. Um, I’d say that’s the first thing. So women seriously under estimate how much the masculine needs, physical affection, visual stimulation, seeing her naked, um, having her touch his penis and worship it. And men seriously underestimate how much a woman needs verbal reassurance and, um, being held and full body touch and, um, positive encouragement. Um, and verbal appreciation for intimacy.
Chris: Do you think that, um, that feeds the shame triggers for women who then feel like the physical part of that is lacking in their lives? Do you think that makes it harder for them to talk about because they maybe do have this wiring that that kind of leads more towards all the things that you just described. And yet women still do have physical needs and we’re certainly taught culturally society, you’re not supposed to want that. You’re, you know, with a slut shaming is just out of control. And so do you think that women who maybe deep down in their, in their heart of hearts would like more physicality in their relationships… Do you think it makes it harder for them to talk about because they already intuitively know they’ve got this wiring and so they’re, they’re not just going against the shame triggers from their culture. They’re going against their own mind body system in a way.
Susan: I don’t think women are aware of how much they crave what I just said. And I don’t think men know it either. I think actually it’s just a complete and total lack of awareness. It’s more of a, “I don’t know what I want, but I know what I want is, I know what I have isn’t what I want.” Um, I just think that there’s, this is why I love to raise these conversations because then when a woman knows, hey, it is perfectly fine for you to ask your husband to rub and touch your whole body and hold you and tell you how beautiful you are before you could even think about wanting sex with him. And she goes, “Really? That’s okay? I can have that?” Yes, you can have that. You can ask for that. And you can teach your man how to give you that because it’s what you need. And once, I’ll tell you one of the, one of my jobs is that I give people permission. I raise awareness and give them permission. It’s just so funny how that is. So yeah, I think it’s, it’s, it’s more of an unmet, even unacknowledged desire and, and teaching. I just was talking to a couple of guys yesterday and they, I was explaining something along these lines. Then they, they were asking me “How do we rekindle our relationship with our wife, so she wants to have as much sex as she did when we first met her?” And of course I have a program I wrote called Revive or Drive that is all about that, the four simple steps to getting her to love sex as much as you do. And, so I was explaining these notions of, one of the techniques I have is called the Soulmate Embrace. I give it away for free. It’s at soulmateembrace.com um, it, it teaches, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a list of steps that you print out and you learn together as a couple that actually teaches him how to hold the masculine polarity and how to hold her to a level of relaxation that allows her estrogen mind to get out of its head and into her body so that she can relax enough to remember that she does love to be physical with him. It’s very powerful. So yeah, it’s, it’s really just explaining these things to people. It’s a little hinge that swings big doors. It’s like, okay, here, hold her like this. Oh my God, we’ve, and don’t expect sex. Just hold her and then hold her some more and then hold her some more and then hold her some more. And what you’ll see is over time she just gets more, more relaxed and she wants more and more sex with you because you’re, she’s finally getting the thing that she needs to get emotionally connected with you and dropped into her body so that all of a sudden she’s like, “Wait a minute. Oh, I do like you. Oh, you are the guy I love.” All of a sudden so relaxed that she’s not thinking about a to do list anymore. That’s totally estrogen. Right? So guys think, “How come she never initiates sex? How come she never wants me?” Well, when was the last time you just held her without trying to get some. Right? So simple things like this are really big hinges for people.
Chris: Hmm. I was married for 15 years and then was single again for 10 and, and recently remarried. But um,
Chris: Thank you. I got a good one this time. She’s terrific. And she always kind of laughs at me when I talk about her in the podcast, but she’s, she’s great. But that 10 year period, which for me was a period of just across the board growth. Um, it was really interesting. Just, it is interesting thinking back to the experiences I had over those 10 years and some of the most powerful moments were when, when, a female partner was able to say, “Do this. Would you please do more of this? Less of that.” And, and I, I just, when those things would occur, you know, as a man, you go, “Oh, I think I get it. Okay, I’ll do that.” You know? And, and so there’s a lot to be said as a man for just listen and respond.
Susan: Yeah. The only problem is that you’re a super, um, highly evolved, very kindhearted guy who has,
Chris: Why, thank you!
Susan: You’re welcome… has, an open mind to learning and most women’s personal experiences that when they’ve given guys feedback, the guy’s been like “I know what I’m doing! Don’t tell me what to do!” And so that’s shut women down. Women are the classic phrase is, you know, he does, he, “I don’t want to hurt his ego.” And the thing that women don’t understand about that is that testosterone is a very certain molecule. Testosterone is what makes guys fight, fight wars, build bridges, scale mountains, even if they don’t know what the heck they’re doing, which they don’t. This is why guys don’t ask for directions at the gas station. You know, it’s just, it’s not your fault. You’re just very confident. Very sure. Estrogen doesn’t have that confidence. It worries. Estrogen’s a worry, worry molecule, which is why we need the masculine polarity to calm us down and make to make sure everything’s okay, and safety and security and trust are huge for women, especially in surrendering in the bedroom. So one of the things that I put together was a something called the Sexual Soulmate Pact and it’s free. It’s that sexual soulmate pact.com. I give a lot of stuff away for free. I mean I’m one of those people who I’m just like give, give, give, give, give, give, give. You never have to buy anything from me because enough people want the programs that I sell that I’m doing great.
Chris: So what listeners should infer from this is that the show notes are going to be a treasure trove of freebies. Your intimate life is going to get so much better just by clicking on those links in the show notes. So don’t miss out. Okay. I just had to mention that.
Susan: Totally no problem. People are like, well, cause you know you’re, they’re driving in their car. “Where is this thing?” The Sexual Soulmate Pact in a nutshell, because you can, you can download it. You can print it out and you can actually create this agreement with your partner. And if you’re dating, you can create this agreement with even someone you’re just going to be with for a day, for night. It’s, it’s easy. And it, it really rests on two basic concepts. The first concept is that men and women are hormonally cyclical, women appreciatively more so, and our bodies like different types of stimulation depending on not just the day, but the moment. And one day we might like to be held and petted like a little puppy and the next day we’re a roaring lioness who wants to be ravished or ravish you. And so understanding it’s confounding for men because they never know where the woman is in that spectrum in any given moment. So it’s, you come together as a team, I call it reporting in from your animal. We live, we are animals, we’re part of the animal kingdom. We like to think Homosapien some, you know, fabulous thing. But frankly, I, I’m pretty sure dolphins are smarter.
Chris: We’re a mess. I can’t believe you survived this long.
Susan: So we’re animals on this earth with big brains. And once we learn to check in with ourselves and know what our bodies want in that moment, we can communicate it to our partner. And this goes both ways. This isn’t just what the woman’s telling the man, this is also the man hard, or can you do it a little hard? You know, men touch themselves much more hard than women do generally. And women tend to be kind of light, not know what to do and guys need to guide them too. But what you do as you get on the same team where she’s just going to tell you what her body’s telling her it needs in the moment. And that way there’s no blame game. There’s no, “You’re doing it wrong.” How could you possibly know what to do? You couldn’t possibly know what to do. I don’t know what my body wants until I go, “What do you want, baby? Here’s honey. Here’s what she wants. Let’s give her this. Let’s make her happy.” Right? And so once you get to, “Okay, I’m not doing anything wrong, she’s, we’re together on the same team.” She’s just reporting in from our animal to give me the information I need to give her the most undescribable pleasure she’s ever had. Because the one thing women don’t understand about men is that men are biologically wired to give women incredible pleasure because you have to compete. That’s a scarce resource. Um, sex with a woman as a scarce resource because she’s so cyclical and women have a lot of plumbing issues and things too, you know, are, we’ll get our period or what have you. And so you’ve got windows of opportunity and you’re always on the lookout for the window of opportunity. Is it today? Is today, is it today is the day cause you want to have sex every day generally because testosterone is a horny molecule too. And so women are cyclical in their desire where men are much more steady state and so you’re always pretty much ready to go. And these are generalizations again, but men are ready to go. And women are a little more, they need that warm up. They need to be brought into their bodies. They need to be aroused, they need to be stair-stepped. They need full body touch. They need to be worked from the outside and they need all those things, but they need them in different ways each time. So you want your guy to win by giving him the information that he needs.
Susan: Men need to be respected. They need to be heroes, they need to be champions, they need to be guardians, they need to do it right. And so by giving him the information that he needs to give you the incredible pleasure that he desires to give you, you work together to do that. That’s the sexual soulmate pact. And in that free little download, you can go through it together as a couple and you can learn that skill very easily. It’s one of those little hinges. You can learn it very easily and then it will take your sex life. It first of all, it will lower your performance anxiety, both men and women worry, “Am I going to be able to get hard? Am I going to be able to have an orgasm?” They’re always worried about things. And so if you know that you’re on the same team, the worry goes down. Pleasure goes up, the communication goes up, the joy goes up, the, it gets you on what I like to call the upward pleasure spiral. Because now you’re working together and you just keep getting better and better and sex can keep getting better and better your whole life if you just learn a few of these types of skills.
Susan: There’s no, I was funny, I’m on my YouTube channel, you mentioned it. Um, there’s one guy I have, I share my story of all the traumas and things that happened to me that led me to become a sexpert. And I mentioned in that video that I was 45 before I had my first orgasm from intercourse. My husband and I were like, “We’re gonna, we’re gonna figure this out!” Because for a decade I had no orgasms from intercourse, only from vibrators or self-pleasuring. And that’s why I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. I was basically just a masturbatory sleeve for my husband for a decade. And it was like, well, who’s going to do that for longer than 10 years? This is why women stop wanting sex with their husbands because they don’t, they don’t know how to have that pleasure. Well, it’s a learned skill. You aren’t born knowing how to do it. You’re born knowing how to make a baby. You’re not born knowing how to give a woman a penetration orgasm. So in this, um, video where I was talking on Youtube about everything that I’d been through and how I hadn’t had an orgasm until I was 45 and then it was there that my sex life really took off.
Susan: Um, this guy wrote “40… 45! Sex at 45! Only in America you must be a scammer!” Or something like that. Like he couldn’t even believe that a 45 year old could be having a good sex life.
Chris: He’s never been to Europe, huh?
Susan: it was like, wow, what a frame, what a limiting belief this guy has. And it was funny cause his, his handle was Spastic Tomato, but he spelled spastic wrong. So I was like, all right, well, I mean I can only do so much, people! I can only help so many people. Like, if your beliefs are so limited that you can’t even imagine that you could have hot sex that keeps getting better your whole life long, then you’re going to give up trying anyway. So I can’t help you. So that’s what I want to say is that my sex life is better than it’s ever been and I’m 58 years old next week or the week after. I don’t even know what date is in two weeks. I’m 58.
Chris: Wow. Happy Birthday.
Susan: So thank you. Um, yeah. So there’s hope. There’s hope for all you old ones.
Chris: You know, I think part of what it requires though is um, men being willing to, to do two things, um, to step out of their fixed mindset into a growth mindset. And, and if, and my, my listeners have heard me talk about mindset, but I think that is absolutely crucial. If you can approach your sexual and intimate lives with a growth mindset, all of a sudden when we do something wrong or when we, when we don’t do something exactly right, then suddenly it’s not this indictment of us as a person. You’re not less masculine because you didn’t do the right thing. Intuitively you’re, you know, you, it, it doesn’t change that for you. That’s not what’s at stake. And so when we can change that mindset and approach that from a position of learning, then all kinds of things become available to us. We have access to new things we never knew where possible. Right? And then, you know, it’s also, interesting Susan because, um, I, I continue to be struck by, men who, and, and you hear the word narcissism thrown around a lot. Um, but really I see a lot of codependence in men and I see a lot of men who, again, if they can’t get it right on the front side, if they can’t be responsible, wholly responsible for their partner’s pleasure, they try to take full responsibility for that. And yet they’ve got this tension. They’re supposed to be the big stud and they’re supposed to know everything on the front end. Right? And so if I can’t make all that work the first time while I’m just going to lash out. And so I think for men, a lot of the work to do is mindset work and it’s also really doing a gut check on where are you in terms of what bags are you carrying? Are, are you trying to be responsible for your partner? Are you trying to work with your partner to, to find something that’s co-created?
Susan: Yeah, I think there are a lot of women who don’t help their husbands at all in the sex life either. They just expect their husbands to do everything and then their husbands ended up doing begging and bargaining and you know, doing all the chores to try and get sex and then getting emasculated by their wives because their wives are just super stonewalls. You know, a lot of guys have written to me over the years and said, my wife says, “Don’t ever ask me about sex again. It is off the table. We’re done.” I was like, how can you possibly say that to your husband? That’s egregious um, lack of marital support. But I remember feeling exactly that way where I never wanted to have sex with my husband again because it wasn’t good for me. My husband is the sweetest guy in the world. He did everything he could think of to try to get me to have sex.
Susan: It wasn’t any good for me because he didn’t know how to give me good orgasms from intercourse. I mean, every woman can learn how to do it. I call it crossing the gasm. It’s a learned skill. No, women are not. Some women are naturally orgasmic from penetration. Some. Lucky women. Most women are not. And it’s learned and being part of it is technique for him and her, a big part of it is warm up and foreplay. A big part of it is him making her feel safe in the bedroom to explore her desire and helping her overcome all the shame and all of the fear that’s been injected into her by our culture. And the men do. Men do have to carry a big burden of sexual healing for their women, but more and more men are having similar issues around shame, around, um, penis size. I mean with pornography and things guys are like embarrassed about having an average sized penis. It’s not enough anymore. It’s very interesting the dynamics that go on.
Chris: I noticed on your YouTube channel, the by far the most popular video is the one about increasing penis size.
Susan: I know. Isn’t that funny?
Chris: It was interesting to see. Okay…
Susan: I want to say one thing about that. The reason that I talk a lot about penis size and penis function is that very few people do. It’s like people are afraid. Even sexperts, most experts, they don’t know anything about male genitals. They don’t understand what goes on in the minds of men. Um, they men want a nice hearty penis. They want an, and women need a nice firm penis for great sex, for great intercourse obviously. And intercourse is not the be all and end all. But in the typical monogamous heterosexual relationship, which is by far the big part of the bell curve, that’s what people are doing. They’re having intercourse, intercourse, we are made to fit together. Your semen in her vagina is the perfect match. It’s healthy, it has serotonin, it has to testosterone. It has zinc. It’s, it helps her with cognitive function, with confidence.
Susan: I mean, we are, the masculine-feminine is extremely synergistic. And so I took it upon myself to understand how to reverse ED, how to reverse penile atrophy. I mean, when you are not having a lot of sex, if you’re divorced and you’re only dating infrequently, your penis penises atrophy. Vulvas atrophy. We as we age and we start to, we’re shriveling. And the sad part is that his penis gets smaller and her vagina gets more loose so it gets worse and worse. So I wanted to really understand how guys could, um, make their penis restore their penis to its youthful state as well as how we could restore a woman’s vulva to its youthful state through biodentical hormones and vaginal rejuvenation. Same thing with, so I learned all about penis pumps because between gains waves and pee shots and penis pumps, I actually have a penis pump that I love called the whopper, which women women can use with their men before sex to pump up his penis to make it even more full of blood.
Susan: Blood carrying capacity is the kind of gold standard for great penile performance, if you will. And so guys want to know all about it. And I was like, well, I need to go learn everything about penis pumping and penis enlargement too. Because if you could, women can get boob jobs or whatever facelifts or anything we want. Why can’t a man keep his penis in great shape? I like to call it having a bangin’ boner. I hope that’s not too much for your podcast. I don’t think it is. People are more mature than you think they are. You know,
Chris: As long as no one is swerved off the road, I think we’re good.
Susan: Exactly. Yeah. So I want to just demystify that whole area and let people know that um, the vacuum erection device, AKA the penis pump is a, um, a really good, simple technology to keep your penis in good shape as you age.
Chris: I, and I love that you talk about this with people because it just normalizes it as, as a challenge for people, which is great. Yeah. So for the person who has reached whatever place in their life and they know they’re unfulfilled. Maybe partnered, maybe not, whatever, but they also know that it’s really a challenge to talk about this. It’s really, I don’t even know where to begin having this conversation. I have no idea what my body wants. All I know is that I’m not happy. Where do they start?
Susan: I would say probably the Sexual Soulmate Pact because it’s a way of not feeling shame about asking for something to just change. Even if you don’t know what it is. Maybe you get you, maybe you go to, I needed harder or softer. I need it faster or slower. I can you take your time. Can you do this before that? Um, I think that’s the best thing is the Sexual Soulmate Pact. That agreement between partners get truthy in the bedroom.
Chris: For someone who’s not partnered and doesn’t want to do casual interactions, would this also apply to self stimulation or there, what would they gain anything just in their own personal life. In their own personal time. By that exploring that product too?
Susan: That is better for partner communication. Um, for people who are single. The s I think, um, one of the things that holds people single people back is that they’re looking for the be all and end all person. And I think there are a lot of people out there who could be a fabulous lover but might not meet all of the other criteria in your laundry list of what you’re looking for for a boyfriend or girlfriend or a new husband or a new wife or what have you. And so one of the things I recommend is solo pleasuring to keep yourself in good working order. And there’s some really good sex toys out there. Like for men, there are some, there’s a product by Hot Octopus called the Solo Pulse to the pulse. It’s called the Pulse. It’s a very nice self-pleasuring product. And for women, there’s the Stronick series from Fun Factory that actually keeps the vaginal tissue, um, stimulated as well as the clitoral tissue so that I know it’s kind of use it or lose it with our genitals.
Susan: So a good solo pleasuring practice is a very good way to keep yourself turned on and to keep your tissue in good shape and then thinking about, okay, maybe I should just find a lover to have great sex with while I’m looking for the one. And a lot of people are like, “Oh, I could do that? I never thought about that.” You know, it’s like, okay, there’s your permission. You can go take a lover, just find somebody. Your body is like, “Ooh, Ooh, I like that. I want that.” Right. That person does. And I’ll tell you something, especially for women, a woman finding a lover is a very easy thing because pretty much no guy is going to be like, “No, I won’t have sex with you.”
Chris: Right? “No, I’m good. Yeah. I’ll just take care of myself.” No, yeah, no said no man ever.
Chris: You know, I kind of chuckle to myself, because you mentioned the names of the, of these things and, and I just wonder, you know, who is the person that has their job as naming these things?
Susan: Yeah, a marketing people name them. The chief marketing officer at fun factory’s name is Kristen Tribbey and she probably is one of the people that has come up with the most names. A Lot of customers name products for a lot of sex toy companies to a lot of sex toy companies like fun factory. They have a panel of hundreds of people and they develop a toy over a series of years with feedback and send people different units and get their feedback. And so I think that the names kind of emerge out of the functionality and the feedback.
Chris: How interesting.
Susan: I know it’s fascinating.
Chris: Yeah, that’s fun. Well, Susan, this is just also a wonderful, the whole, the whole show has been just enlightening and I am so grateful for your taking time with us today. Um, okay. A couple of quick questions, um, next to last question. If there are two things that you want everyone to take away from this moving forward, what would they be?
Susan: Um, first one is keep, keep moving forward in your sex life. Keep trying to overcome work around or fixing any thing that’s holding you back. Think bigger, unstick yourself. Unblock yourself. Open yourself to learning. Now that you understand that there’s just like so many things. I mean we could have gone in one zillion directions. We happened to go in the direction we went. There’s just so much for you in your sexuality and having a good sex life is something that just makes you feel more confident, happier in life. It’s healthy for you. People who have good sex to live longer and they have a happier life. So it’s worth the investment of your attention not to give up when you get stuck. That’s number one. Um, number two is stand for yourself. Um, what you need, what feels good to you is right and it’s constantly going to evolve. So what’s right for you now is not going to be what’s right for you next year. You are maturing as you do through your life in your sex life as well. If you allow that, you have an ability to have sexual maturation where you keep getting better and enjoying more pleasure and having more fun.
Chris: That’s great advice. Okay, so Susan, um, Sexual Vitality Summit. Um, can you tell us, dates and where people can find that? Of course I’ll link in the show notes, but just give us a little specific info about that.
Susan: I’ll always have it up evergreen. So whenever you get to this, go to sexualvitalitysummit.com and you’ll be led to some access in some way to it, no matter when. And then, um, the sexual soulmate pact is sexualsoulmatepact.com. Um, what else did we talk about? Those were the two, right? Soulmate Embrace, that’s just at soulmateembrace.com. I tried to keep it simple.
Chris: Yeah. And we will have all of those in the show notes. And just as a reminder to our listeners, we love it when you communicate with us. And so emailing me, Chris at resilientselfpodcast.com, hitting the website where you can get all kinds of goodies. We are on Instagram, we’re on Facebook. You guys know where to find us. And if you have not done so yet, I don’t know how this episode could not have motivated you to reach down and click the subscribe button. But, if you haven’t, please do so. And Susan, we will put all of your social links on our website so people can reach out to you. Thank you again so much for being here. I’m just so honored and, look forward to hearing more from you in the future.